I was always crazy from the beginning. The boys seemed to like it; my mysterious personality, I never returned phone calls, never bothered about shitty lady like behaviors, I had a wicked sense of humor girls hated and I always said the right thing to the guys. I wasn’t easy, if you could put up with my wild gruesome imagination, you were gold, if not, aloha. I knew I wasn’t special but I was different up a notch, I never broke records or limits, I set new ones, I wanted to be Christian Grey instead of Anastasia, I wanted to be Thor instead of Jane.
I didn’t have a lot of friends. Most of them were boys and honestly speaking being Me, a lot of’em wanted to be more than friends. A lot of the girls I knew I couldn’t be friends with. I was a fighter. Always wanted to be the best not because I wanted to do it for myself but because my family expected it. I think its one of the reasons I wanted to wake up one day and be a psycho. So I wouldn’t be the only not-fucked-up-yet child.
I’d never been in a serious relationships before and after him. He was just him, unserious, claiming to care and never satisfying but I held on. I didn’t know who I was anymore. Me wouldn’t put up with his bullshit, Me would’ve dumped his sorry ass. Me would be doing shots with his replacement and probably be playing mind games with his replacement’s replacement. But he just kept pulling and I couldn’t pull back. He never called and when he did, he only wanted to make out.
I thought, how do people do this. How do become fucked up, how do you use people and not feel anything, how do you stop being treated like the back up child who must screw up or the kissing doll who’s only needed once in a blue moon. How do you stop yourself from loving that very wrong person, how do you stop yourself from slicing your wrist if its the only way for you to be seen.
……. haunted Me